Each Tuesday, we get together and hold two 45-minute T-group sessions in small groups that are typically comprised of four to eight people. The T-group format is a simple form of communication that helps us stay in the present moment and focus on our feelings & sensations while encouraging us to connect with one another in a deep way.
T-group Format
Staying present
We use statements that start with “I feel” or “I notice”. For example, “I feel excited” or “I notice that there is a tightness in my chest.” These statements tell others about our present moment experience and avoid going into story about what is causing that experience. Talking about the cause of our feelings brings us into a logical headspace rather than a somatic experience.
However, it’s important to note that “I feel like” statements are not feelings. For example, “I feel like doing cartwheels” simply conveys a desire and not the underlying feeling.
Headline
In most everyday conversations, we talk at an informational level in terms of what happened or how something happened. For example, I might tell you that I went on a date and we went to dinner and then to a movie but none of that tells you how any of that makes me feel.
In T-group, we start with the feeling. We can share some context about why we are feeling that way by stating a headline. A headline gives the group minimal, non-emotional information that helps them understand your feelings better. For example, “I feel excited and nervous. Headline: I went on a date last night.” Or, “I feel ashamed. Headline: this is a common experience for me.” The headline is a short sentence or two—not a full story—that anchors context without removing you from your present moment experience.
Story
Story is our interpretation of what has happened, is happening, or will happen. We don’t avoid stories entirely but we frame them with as few words as possible. To do this, we preface our interpretation with “I have a story that…” For example, “I have a story that you don’t like me.” Or, “I have a story that I am too boring to be noticed.” Or, “I have a story that there is a conflict in this group that no one is talking about.”
Framing interpretations this way acknowledges that the story is ours—it may or may not be true—while keeping us grounded in our present moment experience rather than getting lost in narrative.
Judgment
A judgment is when we frame something in terms of right or wrong. We can share judgments by prefacing them with “I have a judgment that…” For example, “I have a judgment that I am talking too much.” Or, “I have a judgment that people in this group are not taking the group seriously.” Judgments usually imply the word should—someone should or shouldn’t be doing something. Naming them explicitly helps us own them rather than presenting them as facts.
Hand signals
Over the years, we’ve developed a few hand signals that lets us share our experience while others may be sharing theirs.
Wiggle fingers: We use this motion to signal to the group that we resonate with what someone just said. For example, someone may share that they are feeling lonely. If you do as well, you can extend your hand and wiggle your fingers to let them know you’re sharing the same experience without having to interrupt what they are saying.
Return to the present: If you notice someone trailing off into a lot of story, you can pull down with all your fingers to let them know that you would like them to return to the present moment.
Reveal: T-group is all about owning and sharing your experience rather than trying to “pull” someone else’s experience out of them by asking them questions. If someone asks a question, you can extend your hand toward them which means that you would like them to reveal what feeling is underneath their question.
Asking someone to return to the present or reveal may feel confrontational but we highly encourage members to share their authentic experience, even if it may be perceived as negative.
Expressing desires
It is not uncommon for people to want physical touch when they are sharing deep feelings. It can be a great way to co-regulate. However, you should ask for consent before engaging with physical touch with another person—even if you know that person well. You should also be okay with hearing “no” if they are not in the space to share that with you.
In general, you do not need to ask permission to do things that don’t physically affect others. You want to start doing jumping jacks? Great, get up and start doing them. You want to lay on the ground? Knock yourself out. T-group excourages this free-spirited nature.
No questions
In T-group, we avoid asking questions. A question shifts the vulnerability onto someone else—asking them to open up rather than opening up yourself. Instead, share the feeling that is driving your question. For example, instead of asking “are you angry at me?” you might say, “I feel anxious because I have a story that you’re angry at me.”
The one exception is when someone shares a story or headline without expressing a feeling. In that case, it’s common for others to ask, “what is the feeling behind that?” This gentle prompt helps bring the person back to their present moment experience.
Checkouts
At the end of each session, each person gets one minute to share anything they’d like. Typically they’ll reflect on the session we just had. You do not need to stay in T-group format for this portion.
Best practices
While the format is straightforward, here are some tips to help you get the most out of your time in group:
Be vulnerable: If you simply watch others T-group or you only share surface level feelings then T-group may feel boring. The times we feel most connected with others is when we are sharing something deep and vulnerable and allowing the other person to hold space for that. The best shares in T-group are usually the ones preceeded by thinking, “oh, I shouldn’t share that.”
Own your experience: Our feelings are our own. Someone may do something or say something that triggers feelings in us but the practice is about noticing those feelings and not trying to fix them.
Avoid caretaking: You may be in a group where someone is going through intense sadness or grief. Do not try to take that away from them! It’s tempting to want to comfort someone and help them avoid negative feelings but it’s better to let them fully experience those feelings. Instead of trying to fix, share what feelings are coming up for you in witnessing them.
Share impact: Did someone share something that made you excited, sad, angry, etc? Great! Tell them. Sharing impact is a great way to connect with others and know how we affect people. Many times we affect others in ways that we don’t expect.